


Shameless Self-Insertion: The Guide on how to do it Right

by Skylar_Inkstone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, IDK I made myself laugh so..., So this is just a preview until this specific tag is taken down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-29 06:50:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19824775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar_Inkstone/pseuds/Skylar_Inkstone
Summary: I decided to give no fucks and just enjoy playing with the Harry Potter Universe. Humor is abundant. Insanity ensues.





	Shameless Self-Insertion: The Guide on how to do it Right

I don’t know how it happened. One moment I was sitting on my couch at home, watching a movie. The next, I found myself facing what appeared to be the Great Hall from _Harry Potter_ , legs dangling above the ground. Somehow, I was sitting on the High Table. In wizarding robes. My first thought was, _“what the fuck!?”_

“Ex- _cuse_ me! How dare you… How did you even do this? You cannot Apparate or Dis-Apparate within school walls! What sort of illegal magic are you using?”

I turn at my waist, looking back at the teachers to locate who the sickly-sweet voice belonged to. It was not a surprise when I saw who it was. And although this was an odd situation for me, I had no idea if this was real or, more likely, I had passed out and know was vividly dreaming up all of this.

“Oh, it’s _you_. Fuck off Umbitch.”

My statement was met with a collective gasp from the Great Hall.

I roll my eyes. “Trust me, there will not be a single one of you who won’t agree with me by the years end.”

“Hem-hem! I am a _Ministry_ employee, as a matter of fact,” Umbridge started to rant, pulling herself up to her rather unimpressive full height. “I am the Senior Unde-”

“Senior Under-Secretary to the bumbling fool of a minister, yes. I know. Now tell me, exactly, what is so impressive about that?”

Umbridge’s face went red. “Excuse me, what house are you in Ms..?”

I laugh. “Oh no, I’m not in any House. I don’t even go to Hogwarts.”

It was then when Dumbledore chose to intervene. No matter how I personally felt about the man, let it not be said he wasn’t smart.

“Professor Umbridge, maybe we should take this to my office? After all, I daresay our students are most assuredly hungry from their long journey.”

“Yes, let’s go up right now.”

“If that’s what you wish.”

“Well maybe _I_ don’t want to. You’re not asking me if I agree,” I point out mildly. “Sir.” I add as an afterthought.

And it’s funny, really, that this is what makes Umbridge really angry. I could tell because she started to swell like her body was getting ready to eject what I imagine to be pimple puss. I made a mental note to take about it with my therapist later. I have a feeling that this moment might just scar me for life.

HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP

Once in Dumbledore’s office, he gestured to the two chairs in front of his desk. I elected to ignore his offer in favor of greeting Fawkes.

“Hey Fawkes. I love your feathers, they’re beautiful. Been taking good care of them?”

Fawkes let out a squawk that I could only interpret as offended.

“Sorry, of course you are. Just trying to make conversation.”

He gave a bird’s version of a huff and disappeared in small burst of fire that caused Umbridge to jump in the corner of my vision.

Dumbledore, smiling as his eyes twinkled aggressively, spoke. “I’m sorry, if you could please sit down Ms…?”

“Inkstone. Skylar Inkstone. Sir.”

“Well please, do sit down Ms. Inkstone. I believe we have things to discuss with Professor Umbridge here.”

“Oh please,” I scoff as I take a seat. “She’s not even planning on teaching anything.”

Umbridge glared at me. “What I would like to know, Professor Dumbledore,” she simpered. “Is how, exactly was Ms. Inkstone here able to just… Appear into Hogwarts. She claims that she is not a student, but she is wearing Hogwarts robes.”

I glance down at the black robes, but then notice something. I grin. “I’m sorry, I cannot possibly be a part of this school, due to the fact that I have no crest on these particular set of robes. You cannot claim that it is Hogwartian.”

“Ms. Inkstone, Professor Umbridge.” Dumbledore’s voice was suddenly cold and it brokered no argument. “There is a very simply way of figuring all of this out.” At that exact moment, McGonagall walked into the room, carrying the Sorting Hat with her.

“Here you go Albus. Just to let you know, they are halfway through the main course.”

“Thank you Minerva. Please, go back downstairs and enjoy the feast.” Dismissed, McGonagall walked back out of Dumbledore’s office.

“Ms. Inkstone, if you were to please place the Hat on your head?”

“Of course.” My face splits into a wide smile. “I’m loving how you’re just assuming I know all about you’re world.”

Umbridge’s horrified look was the last thing I saw before I slipped the Hat over my head.

_“Hm… Very peculiar indeed. You do have magic. Strange magic. You’re core is untainted. This is… Unprecedented.”_

_“Ah well, there goes my hope for just being a Muggle.”_

_“You think you’re funny.”_

_“I know. It’s a problem. But hey! It’s better than crippling self-doubt or clinical depression.”_

_“That is a… Terrifying image that you have in connection to the words ‘clinical depression’._

Although this whole conversation was all taking place in my head, I shrug, trying my hardest not to laugh aloud. _“What can I say? I love drag queens.”_

_“You do realize tha-”_

_“That I’m literally in a different time period where the LGBTQ+ equal rights movement haven’t really taken off yet and that it’s still rather dangerous to admit to being anything other than a straight person who doesn’t cross-dress? Yes, I am aware.”_

The Hat laughed. _“Alright, I think I know which House to place you in.”_

_“Oh god, it’s not Gryffindor, is it?”_

_“I’m afraid it is. Why? Do you have any particular aversions to it?”_

_“I mean… I guess not? I just always thought myself to be a Hufflepuff.”_

_“You would not be wrong. I could actually place you in any House and you would do well. However, I believe you have pertinent information that could help me avoid being set aflame.”_

_“Wooooow. That’s not selfish at **all**.”_

The Hat laughed again. _“That’s just my little sense of humor. But truly, the most good you can do here and now is to be placed in Gryffindor. However… I believe that this will make history quite nicely.”_

_“Oh no. What are you planning on doing?”_

_“Not planning. I have decided that this should be entirely your decision Skylar. I fear that placing you myself would not be a fair thing to do.”_

_“Okay… I guess I’ll take your advice then. I suppose I could help save the most lives by being placed so close to Harry. Speaking of which, how old am I?”_

_“You’re still fifteen.”_

_“Okay, amazing. So yes, I choose Gryffindor.”_

_“Then_ GRYFFINDOR _it is.”_

I smile and tug off the Sorting Hat, to find Dumbledore smiling, his eyes meeting mine. “Well, Ms. Inkstone. That was a certainly entertaining conversation you two had there.”

I laugh, blushing slightly. “Is that what the Hat meant? When he said I’d be making history?”

Dumbledore nodded. “Never before has the Hat allowed someone to have free choice over whichever house they wanted to be in. Occasionally between two, but never all four.”

Umbridge, I noticed, was red in the face.

“Something wrong with the Toad,” I ask, jerking my head in her direction.

“ _DRAG QUEENS_!”

“Oh, _that’s_ what’s wrong with her.” I scoff and roll my eyes. “You do realize that where I’m from there’s a musical and you’re played by a dude?”

“W-what?”

“Yeah, it’s great! Would you like to hear some quotes?”

Dumbledore, who at this point realized that it might not be anyone’s best interested if I did start quoting the musical, cut in. “Professor Umbridge, perhaps it would be best if you retired for the night. I can settle Ms. Inkstone in.”

“I… Yes. That sounds like a lovely idea.”

Within a few seconds, Umbridge was gone. She must be really overwhelmed if she hadn’t insisted on staying and sticking her nose into my business. Either that or Dumbledore must’ve Confounded her.

“Alright Ms. Inkstone. I believe that we have several matters to discuss.”

“Right. So the first thing would be is that I’m now a student.”

“I think that can be sorted out tomorrow. However, I must ask you exactly what your story is.”

I nod. “To put simply, I’m not from this world. In my world, you’re nothing but a character in a book. Albeit, a very popular book, but a book nonetheless. I’m actually not totally convinced that this isn’t just some sort of vivid dream.”

**Author's Note:**

> So... No this chapter is completed. Just wanted to get some thoughts on this and figured this was the best way to. I do plan on at least finishing the chapter but I need brain juice. And that means I just need even just (1) person interested in seeing where this goes.


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